She Bops, He Bops, We Bop

Disclaimer: This post is in no way about writing. If you’re interested in those kind of posts you can read them here.

Ps_sb1 I’m a Christian. I’m not the sort of Christian who’s going to refuse to sell you something because of how you chose to live your life. I’m not going to boycott or picket anything in particular. I’m just trying to live my life as best I can and love those around me. Having said that, I’m going to share my unvarnished opinion on a sensitive topic.

Masturbation and our attitudes towards it are hilarious to me. Let me back up just a second. I saw a post on social media yesterday. It was a picture of of some guy I’ve never heard of who said, and I paraphrase, “Something about me is called a sin 25 times in the Bible. People used to be persecuted for it. Thankfully attitudes are changing and most people no longer have a problem with my being left handed.” Now, obviously, this was a jab at some Christians’ attitudes towards homosexuality and the changing landscape. It was a much deserved jab. Unfortunately it was mis-directed. A much better target would have been masturbation.

There are a lot of things that feel so damn good. One of them is taking a good dump. Have you ever just had, you should forgive the expression, a religious experience while having a bowel movement? One that left you feeling light headed and relieved? If not, I feel sorry for you. Another thing that feels ridiculously good, when done right, is polishing the pole/rubbing one out/jacking it (or for my female readers polishing the pearl?). A long time ago, when people still though that that bleeding you of excess humors was the pinnacle of medical science, someone decided that doing that was a bad idea. There was a ridiculous amount of shame attached to it. They developed torture device to prevent you from performing “self abuse”. They used the excuse that God doesn’t like it. You’ll end up going blind, growing hairy palms, and being ultimately cast in a lake of fire. None of the above is remotely true.

leftyI’ve read the Bible a lot. There are lots of interesting things that you didn’t read in Sunday school. Masturbation with holy relics is in there. Ejaculating copious amounts, like a donkey if memory serves, is mentioned at least once. A women who has breasts as big as fawns. Okay, so that may have just been my thirteen year old brain talking. But let me tell you, Song of Solomon was a very stimulating book to read when I couldn’t find a Sears catalog. One thing I was never able to find was the notion that taking care of your own business in private was an “issue” (that was a pun).

I know, there are people (who probably haven’t read this far) that will tell me that sex is a holy thing and it’s intended for two people in the bonds of matrimony. Sexing up yourself isn’t that. To which I say yes and yes. I also say, everyone does it. As my gal Cyndi says, “She bop, he bop, and we bop”. Bop is clearly talking about masturbating, in case you didn’t know it. Forget “Everybody Poops”, I want to see a book called “Everybody Bops”. I’d like to think that the left handed guy up there, who no doubt bops with his sinister hand, would join with me in saying that there ain’t no law against it and that includes God’s law. I hope that society’s attitude, particularly in Christian circles, is changing regarding the alone time. Frankly I couldn’t give a toss (another pun) if it does. So long as the privatest of behavior isn’t interfering with your life, health, and relationships then I don’t see the harm in it.

8 thoughts on “She Bops, He Bops, We Bop”

    1. The “sin” wasn’t exactly birth control (which I believe on the RCC makes a sin”), but rather failing to live up to “taking care of” his brother’s wife.

  1. While I don’t outright disagree with you, I do believe the bible teaches that masturbation using pornography is wrong and even fantasizing about someone (outside of your spouse) would be considered sinful (Matthew 5:28).

  2. My (small and very rural) Catholic elementary/middle school used the ‘every ejaculation deserves a name’ (to borrow Carlin’s phrase) argument. ALL sexual acts are for reproduction. Didn’t buy it then, don’t buy it now.. *adjusts my thick-lensed glasses*

    1. And that’s part of the problem with almost any religion. It becomes hard to separate culture and tradition from the heart of the matter.

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