Merry Widow(er)

July 30, 2014 sroche 2 Comments

This story was inspired by a photo taken from a collection of stock photos. Click here to see them.

Here at Fisher Brothers Funeral Services we know how sad it can be when you die and no one shows up. Granted it’s not sad for the dearly departed, but a person’s legacy has a lot to do with how they’re perceived after they die. That prompted us to start the Rent-A-Mourner last year and that has gone incredibly well both for us and for our clients. Sure, we got some pushback, but hiring mourners is a tradition that goes back thousands of years. All one has to do is look at the services following the passing of author Bill Jones* to see how that tradition pays off in modern times. His sales in life were mediocre, but after his widow hired a crowd from Fisher Brothers and the press covered the event, his back catalog sales went through the roof.

Desiring to stay on the cutting edge of the industry we’ve recently started a new program, The Merry Widow(er). These days people are doing almost anything to re-capture their youth. Sales of the little blue pill are unbelievable. Prescriptions and over the counter sales of testosterone are going gangbusters. People spend tens of thousands on powders, potions, and plastic surgery. What says power and vitality like having a gorgeous ex-lover show up to throw themselves on your casket? Granted, you as the deceased won’t be able to take advantage of the more temporal benefits, but as with Rent A Morner you have to think about how you will look to those who follow in your footsteps. If you divorced your spouse there’s also the joy you get when you think about the look on their face when they meet your younger, more attractive loved one.

As with all of our programs, Fisher Brothers promises complete secrecy. All mourners and widow(er)s will be provided with enough knowledge about the dearly departed to fool family members and lifelong friends. Where needed they will also have plausible stories as to where they’ve been for the last year to eighteen months. We also guarantee that our Mourners and Merry Widow(er)s are cheaper than having spent your predeceased days striving to have actual people you know like you enough to come to your funeral.

So when you think about your final goodbye, think outside the casket. Remember that here at Fisher Brothers we know that your reputation will outlive your embalmed remains if you spend your money wisely.

*Actual author’s name changed due to contractual obligations.

fiction, Uncategorized

Sticky Business

July 16, 2014 sroche

This story was inspired by a photo taken from a collection of stock photos. Click here to see them.

Jeff groaned as yet another termination request flashed up on his computer. He hated being the one responsible for closing down accounts and these days it was even worse given the state of the economy. When he saw the name and date it was even worse. It was his friend Robert Newman and the term date was effective tomorrow. That was Robert’s birthday. He struggled all say with whether or not to tell his friend. Stickeez-R-Us had a very strict policy about such things. It could cost him his own job, but he and Robert had been friends a long time. Maybe it would be better coming from him rather than an impersonal walk to his boss’s office.

To:RNewman@stickeezrus.com
From: JHeight@stickeezrus.com
RE: Beer Tonight?

Rob. Thought you might like to grab a beer after work at The Town Pump. Let me know.
Jeff

To:JHeight@stickeezrus.com
From: RNewman@stickeezrus.com
RE: Beer Tonight?

J-
Absotively. See you there.
R

Jeff smiled. The scientist had always been ready for a good time. He had a great attitude and his penchant for practical jokes was well known throughout the company. Hopefully that would carry him through the next day.

He walked through the door of the local watering hole and saw Rob sitting there. The man was still wearing his bright yellow Stickeez lab coat. The sleeves were rolled up showing the wide, thick band of leather that held his steampunk watch. Reddish gray hair stick out in every direction. He had a mug of beer in front of him already two thirds gone.

“Hey man!” Jeff hoped that his tone was chipper.

Rob turned on his stool and smiled. Big blue eyes made bigger by their thick glasses. “Hey dude! Thanks for inviting me. I’ve been working hard the last couple of weeks and haven’t had much down time.”

Jeff looked around and spotted a booth off to the back. He looked at his friend. “I figured you could use an early birthday present and I’ve got something I want to bend your ear about. Mind if we sit back there?” He pointed at the booth.

Rob shook his head. “Not at all.” He gestured to the bartender and pointed to his beer. “I’ll take another one of these for my friend.” He looked back at Jeff. “Go have a seat. I’ll bring your beer.”

Jeff walked back to the booth, trying to keep his head from hanging. This was the right thing to do. He took a seat and Rob wasn’t far behind him. He took the frosty mug and downed a third of it in long swallows.

“Thirsty?” Rob smiled.

“Hard day at work. Look, I don’t want to put this off any longer than I have to. I saw an email today and I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but you’re going to get your pink slip tomorrow.” The words came out in a rush and he looked up when he was finished.

Rob’s face hadn’t changed. He still had a smile on it.

“Didn’t you hear me? You’re gonna lose your job.”

Rob nodded. “I know. I mean I didn’t know it was coming tomorrow, but I knew it was coming. Hey, working R&D for a company that makes variations on sticky notes isn’t exactly a guaranteed gig. I’ve had a good run. Thank for thinking of me.”

Jeff looked from his friend to his beer and back again. “You still look… Happy? You’ve got something percolating in the back of your mind.”

Rob shrugged. “The company has had me working on a few things that were ultra hush hush. I’ve been stressing out about it and decided that I’d tinker with something on my own. I had a breakthrough and let’s just say that the second I don’t log on to my PC at my usual time that little breakthrough will hit the production line ahead of schedule.”

That made Jeff a little uneasy. “Revenge isn’t a good idea.”

“I wouldn’t call it revenge.” Rob sipped at his beer. “It’s an idea that they’ll love eventually. They just won’t much like how it comes out. Don’t worry, when’s the last time you saw me do anything malicious? I’m not out to hurt anyone, least of all the company that’s been so good to so many people lately.” There was a less than gentle sarcasm in his tone.

Jeff thought about that. If this “surprise” wouldn’t hurt anyone except the company then who was he to tattle. If it did go badly they’d know to pin it on Rob and what did Jeff know, really? Rob could be playing one of his jokes on his friend. “Well I’m glad you’re taking it so well.”

“No guarantees in life, friend.”
He raised his glass and they clinked them together. “When you get your own pink slip, look me up. By then I may have some things you can help me with. I’ll need a computer geek one of these days.”

“Deal.”

Jeff enjoyed the rest of their evening and didn’t think too much more about it. Breaking the news had gone better than he could have hoped and he didn’t see how anyone could get hurt.”

Days went past and in the drudgery of work and excitement of family life he had actually forgotten about the whole thing. His family was sitting around the table two weeks later when he heard the name of his company from the television in the other room. He excused himself and went to see what it was all about.

“-recall on all of their products manufactured in the previous week.” The camera pulled back from the pretty anchor and showed a young woman with a beatific smile on her face, what he could see of her face under a layer of sticky notes. “It seems a manufacturing error has led to some unintended effects. Stickeez-R-Us has said that their adhesive, when applied directly to the skin, can cause minor changes in mood. The effect is mostly positive and even the young woman pictured showed no ill effects.”

Jeff chuckled and reminded himself to send Rob a reminder about that job offer.

writing

Fishy Handshake

July 9, 2014 sroche 2 Comments

This story was inspired by a photo taken from a collection of stock photos. Click here to see them.

Sal’s palms were sweating profusely. He hadn’t felt well since he got up this morning. He hoped it was just a bad case of nerves. If this kept up he’d probably sweat right through his suit. He couldn’t blow this interview. He’d been out of work for about six months now and while he got unemployment insurance that was barely enough to put gas in the car and food on the table, much less paying for medical bills or rent. Steph had a job, but minimum wage hasn’t changed in way too long and the S-Mart wasn’t giving her full time hours or a raise.

He laced his fingers together and squeezed until his knuckles were about to pop. The pain didn’t do anything to alleviate his nervousness, but it gave him something to think about other than the knot in his stomach or the damn Mutie Panic that flooded the airwaves. You couldn’t turn on the TV without hearing about some new freak. God knows what caused the changes. GMOs, nuclear waste, corn syrup. Whatever it was, the muties were nothing like the comic books. The changes were all just painful or embarrassing.

The two pieces of advice that Giorgio gave him were “wear your best suit” and “don’t give a limp wristed, damp handshake”. He had the suit. He’d bought it before he lost the job at Chem-Tex. He’d been making good money and splurged. Now he just needed to make sure to make a good first impression. He rubbed his palms on the dark gray slacks. Satisfied they were dry, he looked around the office.

Manson and Reed was nothing to write home about, at least the office. The low end law firm was one step above ambulance chasing and the fake plants and out of date office furniture showed it. Work was work though and they needed a sysadmin. He had the experience and would take whatever salary they would throw at him.

“Mr. Petrelli?” The pleasant tenor voice snapped him out of his funk.

He looked up to see a man that didn’t like much older than the kids that worked with his wife at S-Mart. There were fine lines around his eyes though. The suit he wore looked a notch or two above Sal’s. He stood, holding out his hand. No limp shake. No limp shake.

When Mr. Manson grabbed Sal’s hand, he made a disgusted noise. Then he looked from Sal’s eyes down to where they shook and screamed in a pitch much higher than his speaking voice.

Sal could feel the man gripping his hand, but it suddenly felt like he wore a cold glove. He wanted to look at his hand, but he was terrified about what he’d see there.

“You’re a damn mutie.” The man screamed in his nasally, high pitched voice. “You’re a damn mutie.” He sounded like a broken record.

Sal tore his eyes away from the terrified whites of Mr. Manson’s eyes. He saw that the lawyer still clutched what appeared to be a trout or maybe a bass. The fish, Sal was never an expert, protruded from his coat sleeve. He took his… appendage back. “I hope this doesn’t mean the interview is off?”

He found himself rushed out of the building by a burly and slightly apologetic black man. “This isn’t the best place to work, dude.”

Sal nodded at the security guard’s retreating back. “Yeah, maybe not. But it beats being on the state’s dime.” He looked down at the fish. It was still there. He tried to will it back into a human hand, but he hadn’t willed it into a fish, so he wasn’t sure what to do about it.

He supposed he could join the circus.

“Don’t be silly.” The raspy, thin came from the place where the tips of his fingers used to be. “We’re not showy enough for that to work.”

Sal fainted.

Uncategorized

Editor For Hire

July 9, 2014 sroche 2 Comments

My wife has decided that she would love to help some of my writer friends with their stories while she’s on summer break! That’s right, she’s a language arts teacher. Her red pen is ready and she wants her skills to be as sharp when she returns for the school year as your prose will be when she’s done.

She’s edited some of my works, and I can vouch for her skills. Her rates are as follows:

Proof reading – A quick but thorough look at your story for any glaring mistakes. $5/1,000 words (includes one pass through the text)

Copy editing – A closer read, looking for any grammatical or spelling issues. $8/1,000 words (includes a second pass after author’s sign off on the first)

Content editing – This will include reading for continuity, construction, plot elements, and theme. $12/1,000 words (includes a second pass after author’s sign off on the first)

The total package – This is a combination of copy and content editing. $15/1,000 words. (includes a second pass after author’s sign off on the first)

She will edit any genre except erotica. The minimum manuscript size she will edit is 2,000 words. Query for a quote on any manuscript over 60,000 words.

E-mail Leigh Roche at guidedwanderling@gmail.com. Tell her I sent you and get 30% off.

Uncategorized

Lousy Book Covers

July 8, 2014 sroche 21 Comments

There’s a site that I’ve talked about before on Facebook called LousyBookCovers.com. Their stated goal is to prevent bad book covers and to prove that just because you can do your own cover doesn’t mean that you should. They have a sister site to “help prevent bad book covers BEFORE they become an embarrassment” – CoverCritics.com. In regards to the first, I got some interesting news from one of my Twitter followers yesterday. Not just one, but two of my covers were chosen for appearance on their site. (If you want to find the covers you’ll have to go digging.)

I’m of two minds about this. First of all, I think that they provide a useful service. The idea of a place you can go to as a small/independent publisher before you publish and have your cover critiqued (gently for the most part) is interesting. Crowdsourcing anything comes with its own problems, but even if you just paid attention to some of the comments/suggestions made by the original poster, I think there’s good advice to be had. The idea of having a site you can go to that displays covers who haven’t paid heed to the basics of cover design so that you can learn what not to do is also a good idea. I’m not even surprised or disappointed that they picked some of my covers. I have made some doozies. The one in the upper left hand corner likely breaks all kinds of rules. Then there’s this one.

The second mind I have is this. The covers that they did choose were done by very capable artists, and I signed off on both of them. I stand by their quality and the design choices made by the people involved. So it’s not just a matter of “not doing it yourself” or even a matter of being careful about the artists you choose to work with. I would choose both of these people again in a heartbeat. My gut reaction yesterday was to get defensive. That’s the last thing I want to do. I’ve grown a thick skin (I hope) over the last couple of years, and I recognize that not everything that I’m involved with is going to be deep fried gold. I expect that some of my books will get a one or two star review. The challenge here is, the work that’s getting reviewed wasn’t done by me. As the publisher it’s still my responsibility, but there’s a remove there. It’s made more more complicated by the fact that both artists are friends of mine.

Ultimately, some of this comes down to a matter of taste and perspective. I’m not going to go back and change either cover they picked. One of them is for a short story/serial episode and I envision releasing the other stories with very similar covers. When I release the paperback/omnibus version then I’ll make some thing that looks a bit more “traditional” perhaps while retaining the feel of the individual entries. The other I’m simply happy enough with as it is. Having said that, I do take a lot of the advice they offer on that site, both when it comes to my works and other’s. When it comes to a critique of any work, no matter how “lousy”, as long as it is offered and accepted in terms that include a desire to continue to improve or cause others to improve I think there’s value.

social media

Is Social Media Really Social?

July 7, 2014 sroche 3 Comments

I’m a happy subscriber to Matthew Wayne Selznick’s news email (something you can do here)and he asked a pertinent question and one I’ve thought about more than once over the last several years. “Does Social Media Make Us Socially Lazy?” In it, he talked about meeting old friends for the first time in a long time and about a Facebook only friend that he met face to face to the first time. His takeaway was, that in his case at least, social media has become a sort of substitute for face to face meetings. It’s easier to “keep in touch” via social media and while that can be good it also rapidly becomes a very surface relationship.

I don’t entirely agree. I credit social media for several friendships that are at varying degrees of depth. Were it not for blogging, Twitter, Facebook, and other outlets I wouldn’t have those friends at all. They’ve all added to the richness of my life and I’m thankful. I’ve kept in touch with those friends over the years and in spite of the miles that separate us, I know what it going on in their lives and they know what’s going on in mine.

Here’s where I agree quite a bit, while I might not have had those friendships, prior to social media if I wanted to keep in contact with someone I would email, call, or *gasp* actually meet with them face to face. I don’t call my own mother nearly often enough and have instead gotten her to join Facebook. Now that I have the “easy way” I often don’t take any way but that.

I moved recently and during that process I uncovered some letters written to a college chum. I cherish those letters. You know the last time I wrote a physical letter? I’ll give you a hint, it predates most social media outlets. Hmmm.

One of the takeaway from this conversation that Matt had with his friends was that they would do better at keeping in touch on a deeper level. He doubts his own ability to make that happen. I’m in his camp. I’ve been doing this so long that I doubt my own ability to break out of the habit of taking the easy road. But, anything worth doing is rarely easy.

What do you think? How has social media affected you and your relationships?