Understanding Visibility in Bisexuality: A Personal Journey

Peter Salanki from San Francisco, USA, CC BY 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

What is Pride Month about for someone like me? Should I even celebrate it? Am I even REALLY part of the rainbow mafia?

I struggle with my identity as a bisexual man. That’s not to say I’m not bisexual. I am. This is not news to my family or anyone who knows me. This isn’t a coming out post. (Been there, done that in a very bad way.) Like some others, I’m a bisexual in a heteronormative marriage, for just over thirty years now. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship with another man. I’ve never even kissed another man (other than platonically).

In my mind, that makes me identify strongly with something Michael Page, the activist who designed the bisexual flag, said about that lavender stripe.

The key to understanding the symbolism of the Bi Pride Flag is to know that the purple pixels of color blend unnoticeably into both the pink and blue, just as in the ‘real world,’ where bi people blend unnoticeably into both the gay/lesbian and straight communities.

https://web.archive.org/web/20010801185547/http://biflag.com/Activism.asp

I blend in so many ways into the straight community. And that’s not a bad thing. That is, so long as who I am isn’t subsumed into who I’m not. I’m not straight, but neither am I gay. Just like that (wo)man who’s in a gay relationship but is attracted to some (wo)men. We are both bisexual. We’re not confused or curious.

Why am I writing this, then? One thing I struggle with is the notion of being a “minority” or at the very least, marginalized. I have a great deal of privilege. I’m white and cisgender. I’m wealthy (though, for reasons I’m about to go into I don’t feel that way). The flip side of that is that I’m disabled (another label I’m not so sure about, but it fits). With ADD, gastroparesis, migraines, depression, and probably autism all on my slate of health/developmental issues, I’m pretty sure I qualify.

I’m in a demographic that should make me a wealthy man. I have a successful career in IT. I have a four-year degree. My wife works in the financial field. She also has a four-year degree. Together, we make an amount of money that should make us comfortable. We have a big house and several vehicles. We have the latest smartphones. Again, from the outside, we/I look like we should be getting along very well. The aforementioned medical issues, along with my wife and youngest child’s medical needs, take those combined salaries and turn them into jokes. The cars are all fairly old (except for one we bought from my mom). The house needs ALL of the repairs. On the inside, it feels like we are bleeding out some months.

The thing about every one of those struggles is that they too are invisible. On the surface, I’m as normal, healthy, and happy as I am straight. So, when I tell someone about the struggles I have – unless they know me pretty well – they don’t have any real reason to believe me. They can dismiss these things just as easily as some straight (and gay) people can dismiss my sexuality. To the point that even I doubt how these things impact me. I mean, how many problems do I have to have to be disabled?

As one young person I met recently said, and I’m paraphrasing, “fuck labels” for the most part. But for this month at least, I need to embrace this part of who I am more than I usually do. I need to affirm the dignity and the self-respect I have that are tied to my sexual identity. I’m not ashamed of who I’m attracted to. It’s not a sin. It doesn’t make me less of a man or a human being.

Past this month, I don’t need to let this “pride” go. The stakes have gotten higher. And for my family, beyond just my wife and kids but also including two of those kids, we are directly impacted. I need to be less invisible somehow. (Yes, Leigh, I can feel that head shake from here.) We need to embrace those people who feel like they need to go back into the shadows. Those who are afraid and who are already experiencing the bad old days when you would get beaten, jailed, and/or killed for how you dressed or who you loved.

This is what Pride is all about. It’s not about some sense of haughtiness. It’s about standing up to the bullies and the haters. Especially, those who carry the force of government with them.

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